Learning from the past, looking to the future...

Well, where do I begin...I had mixed feelings about leaving Abilene. On one hand, the past 3 years have probably been some of the hardest years of my life. On the other hand; I grew in many ways, and my relationship with God became closer than ever because I had to rely on Him so much. Ever since I arrived in 2004 to continue with my education, I felt like satan began to attack. I guess because I had taken myself away from everything that I loved and knew was safe, and became very vulnerable to. I know that God had already won that battle, but I felt like I was constantly fighting, and it was really hard. I did not know why so many things were not going right, and that coupled with lack of money and going deeper in debt; I wondered if it really was what and where I was supposed to be. I really wanted to continue working on my Master's, but it was not worth being miserable and not having any money. I also desperately wanted to be in some type of ministry full time, which made me even more unhappy and restless. I tried so hard to come out of my "funk"; because I am typically a very happy, positive, and active person-but it seemed like every time I would get back up, I felt like I was kicked down again. I did not understand, and me and God had some very frank discussions!! I would just drive around Abilene and talk to him...

That summer, I decided that it just was not going to work, and I was going to have to get a full time job that would allow me to go to school; or that was it. I wanted to leave Abilene, but was still trying to be open to God's will. I applied for a job at LCU, and was devastated when I did not get it, because I REALLY wanted to be back in Lubbock, or so I thought. Then, the same job became open at ACU, and a couple of people encouraged me to apply for it. I did, and of course got it, and became the Residence Director at McDonald Hall. I was ecstatic!! It was such an incredible ministry opportunity (and of course I could continue school AND it was paid for!)

I have LOVED serving the ladies of McDonald Hall, and all of the opportunities and relationships that were created with many of the people at ACU-I have been blessed. It is amazing to see what God can do when you allow Him to work through you as His vessel, and when you give people a chance and see them as His beautiful children-no matter where they are in life. It was incredible incarnational ministry, and I am so thankful for that opportunity and for every single girl I was able to encounter that entered that hall. I loved seeing the community be built, the ways God worked-especially to watch them grow and learn, while walking along with them on the journey. That is just incredible! I encountered a lot of things that I never even imagined handling, but only by the strength of God-He worked through each of them!!

At the same time, satan continued to attack, but again-I know that God had already won!! I don't think I could describe how much I could feel satan's presence while I was there-he became more real than ever. I really think we underestimate the power he has, and I wish he had NONE!!! I have never been tested, tried, or tempted more than I was in Abilene...and did not feel like myself a lot, nor did I feel like I could or was able to live to my full potential or use all that God has given me, and I am sorry for that.

Even through all of the struggles, I was not ready to leave. I wanted to stay one more year, but at the same time-the stress was weighing on my mind and my body, and I needed some time to rest (catch up on sleep deprivation from the last 2 years!) and heal. I know this is part of God's plan, even though I may not understand why right now-it has been hard to reconcile, but I know that He is in control. I think one of the hardest things to deal with is when you have been hurt and disappointed by other Christians, and it is not reconciled.

I cannot look behind-the last 3 years were definitely time for growth. I learned and grew more than I ever have, and God was faithful. I may never understand why everything happened the way it did, but I KNOW that God has a bigger plan, and am really trying to trust in that. He is the only one who can heal and knows what the future holds, and I place that in His faithful hands.

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the oneas well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future. ~Ecclesiastes 7:14