I am just nowhere where I wanted or planned on being by this time of my life.
I know that I am a very blessed person, and I am very thankful (there's that word!) for the blessings of God. I am not trying to negate any of that by claiming this statement. I know I have lofty goals and want a lot out of life, but I cannot help and look around to see that I am just not where I want to be.
I feel like I am about to burst. I want to be a part of a ministry more than I could ever express. I never would have imagined it would have taken this long to find a job, or I would have really gotten involved somewhere, but I did not because I did not think I would be here long...and when I get involved in something and with people-I go at it 100%. I know ministry can happen anywhere and through anyone, and I just want the opportunity. There are just too many things that I want to be doing right now to be where I am and to be doing nothing. I feel useless and ashamed that I have let so much time pass by. I cannot understand why I have not been hired for jobs I am qualified for. It makes me wonder what I have worked so hard for all of this time and if it ever really will work out. I admit, I get jealous when I look around sometimes and see people get where they want-with the right job, the husband, the family, in youth ministry, or somewhere I want to be...some of that is in my control, but some of it is not. I know that not everyone has a "perfect" life-but I cannot help but envy some people, and wonder where I went wrong?! I have tried to live a good life, be generous, optimistic, listen for God's will and be faithful to Him. What is going on?
I know satan is throwing all he can at me to get me down, and I will not give into his lies, but there is truth in some of the things I have been thinking...which can be good, because it spurs me to think about how I can change things. I feel stuck to some degree, though. I just want to move forward and live my life, which I don't think I am doing right now. Yes, there have been some good things about having this time and being close to my family, and I am thankful for that-but I am really feeling beat down right now and I am tired of it. There is only so much crawling out of the hole one can do. I can only pull myself up for so long. I am trying to rely on God-after all it was a step a faith that I walked out on the first place, but I am unsure and restless now. I feel like I have been about as patient as I can. Everyone keeps telling my that God has a plan, and I have always believed that-in fact Jeremiah 29:11-13 is one of my favorite passages, but I admit I have doubts now. I guess that is normal, but it is not a fun place to be. I don't doubt that God is in control, but I do wonder what is going on, or if I have just miserably failed. I guess that is my ultimate fear, that I have somehow messed it up or missed the boat. But, I know that God is God-and He is more amazing and can do more than I could ever imagine-despite me and my shortcomings.
I covet your prayers more than ever-I just need some guidance and encouragement right now. I am tired of being in the valley, and need a path to follow and bloom on. Thank you and blessings on your journey~
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3 comments:
The comforting truth is that with God, if you missed the first boat, there are several more boats to catch.
It may be that God wants you to start out in something else. Is there a secular job that keeps popping up?
I will continue to pray for you to have wisdom to see your next step.
Many times I have felt those emotions that you are feeling. My 22 year old son is going though something like you are. I had him read a portion of a book that I'm reading right now.
There is a great question in it.
The Book is "The Shack" by William Young. In this book the charater is having a conversation with Jesus and Jesus ask Mack "tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?"
Mack thought for a moment before answering. "I supose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."
Jesus replys to Mack "Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present- I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine.....
I thought this was a great question. It makes a great ice breaker in a fellowship group. I certainly in my life I have live in these different places. Just a few years ago I live in the past either wishing that I did something different or wishing that I never did something at all. I have also lived in the future trying to take control over something that I had no control over. Fearing the unknown or just wishing that my life would begin.
I do have to say at this moment I'm happy to say that I'm living in the present. Trusting God with my future. Also knowing the past is what it is and I can't change it. Just asking God to use my past pains for His glory today.
Just a thought that I wanted to share with you.
Thank you so very much for the encouragement and the reminder, lah!! I read that book a few months ago and it was a real blessing. Many excerpts like that resonated with me. Now if I could only get that from my head to my heart, we would be in business!!
I am definitely struggling with that-trying to find my place in the present-but focusing more on what happened in the past (and how I could have changed it) and wondering what the future holds.
I have learned over the last few years how important it is to live in the present-grasping every moment, every breath, every opportunity-living and basking in it. I have forgotten that lately. Thank you again for the reminder and many blessings! :)
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