Hurt

I think one of the hardest things is to be hurt by other Christians. I have been hurt by many people over the past couple of years that I have once looked up to, counted upon, or viewed as a mentor.

I am still wrestling with a lot of stuff that happened last year-more so than I thought. I was very hurt by people and circumstances, and some of that has been hard to overcome. Honestly, I felt like I was screwed in many ways and had to give up some dreams and people I love for things that were out of my control...and at the same time I have watched others greatly succeed and reach their goals. That is frustrating. I have to wonder why and wonder what I have done wrong. Then, I have had this long journey of looking for my next job and have not been able to get what I want. I know I have a lot to offer (which makes it harder) and want to throw myself into something. I have tried to be open minded and look for opportunities, and maybe I have not done that enough. I feel like I am becoming more bitter and jealous than ever, and I hate that-because it is not who I am. This is only temporary-I HAVE to keep reminding myself of that, or at least holding onto the hope that it is true. The evil one wants me to think otherwise, though-and wants me to believe that things will never change, but I know better. I will not succumb to his evil ways. I am just so tired of fighting him. Thankfully, God has already won this battle-I just need to leave this in His hands. I know that I cannot continue to live life this way or allow it to consume me, and I KNOW that I cannot do it alone. I am just weary-very weary. It is hard to stay motivated, but I know I have to. I just keep wondering, "How long, O Lord-how long?!"

I try to stay positive and focus on the things I am thankful for. I have much to be thankful for, but sometimes the hurt and frustration overshadows that. I know that this is not the end of the road, there is still much life to be lived-I guess I feel like I have kind of stalled, yet life is still going on. I just know something has to change soon, because my life needs to move on...

I still have people to meet, adventures to pursue, and ministry to carry out! I have a live to life, gifts to share, relationships to build...

I don't want to be a bitter and frustrated person-it is NOT who God made or equipped me to be, and it is NOT WHO I AM. I have to remember that-I need to be reminded of that. I know it is my head, but it has a hard time getting to my heart. Much of my frustration comes from knowing that all of my potential is not being used, yet the other side of me feels so unvalued. I hate that. This is just a hard place to be. I know it is not the end, I know that I am blessed, I know that there are so many other people out there that are hurting so much worse...and I want to help them.

I have been here before, and I have overcome before-but only by the grace of God and His community. I am just tired of being here. I don't understand and I question. I am weary of going through the valley, while looking up and watching other people move up and succeed. I want to be a part of that, too.

God, please be with my doubt and unbelief. Take my frustrations and replace them with peace. I surrender this to you, because you are Lord of my life and I place my faith and trust in you.