Here Am I-Send Me!!!

I know that most of my posts are usually more optimistic and upbeat, but I have some things on my heart that have been stored up for awhile and I feel like I need to share them...

I have struggled for the past 3 years or so since I have graduated to figure out what in the world I am supposed to be doing. I believe with all of my heart that God has laid this passion and love for youth ministry on my heart, but at times have no clue what to do with that. There is nothing else on earth that satisifies me like ministering to teenagers and it is something that I would most willingly do without compensation!! Yet...I have yet to be hired?! How in the world would that NOT be frustrating??!! Without sounding conceited, I feel like I have so much to give, yet I know I am only giving a small part of it. I want to live my life wholly and fully for God-wherever that may be. I want to live each day passionately and love people like Jesus did, yet I feel like each second, each minute, each day that passes, I am not being used to my full potential and many of those moments have been wasted. I really do try to live in the moment and relationships mean the world to me and I soak that in with all that I have, yet even that is tiring sometimes. I feel like there is SO much more that I could be doing, and oftentimes (like now) I feel like I can almost reach out and grab it and hang on...but it's not quite close enough to grasp. I truly want to echo Isaiah's proclamation of "Here Am I-Send Me"!!

I have been in and out (mostly in) of the desert for this period of time, with a faith that has been wavering and I almost feel like at times I am hanging on by a string, and if someone were to come by and cut that string...I would drop to the ground in a heap, and not be able to get up. I often feel like I am going through life in slow motion, and am surprised when I make it through some days. I know this is a common metaphor, but I do fell like I am on a roller coaster, and I don't know where it is going to take me next or when it is going to stop...but I guess I honestly don't want it to stop, because that would mean God stopped working. I feel like just about the time I find the top of the water and I am able to get my head to float above it, something pulls me back down and I struggle to come back up again. I often feel like I am caught in a tug of war, but I am not sure what it is between-it is just painful and very tiring...

My heart is restless. My soul is searching. My faith wants answers. My life desires direction. My eyes are turned upward. I long for joy and peace. I have been afraid of the silence...afraid of being alone...afraid of the unknown...and I seek solace in the shelter of His wings.

Worship stirs my heart like nothing else. What a blessed time it was to be at (my first) ACU Lectureship this week and to meet and get to know Brandon, and to worship with the ZOE group and about 2,000 of my other closest friends! ;-) I think I could worship like that every day for the rest of my life-I know a lot of people would say that I would get tired of that, but trust me...I wouldn't!! These are some lyrics I found on another blog that really spoke to me:

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father, You are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.

Oh, how I have tried to do that-to be STILL and know that He is God. Yet, I do know He is God-I just don't always know what He is doing or where He is. I know some of this is a natural process of our spiritual walk, but nothing about this feels natural!! I feel like I have become a different person, from one who was always filled with joy to someone who is easily angered and I HATE that!! That isn't me, that isn't who God wants me to be and I KNOW that!! I know this is a formation of my spiritual life, and I strongly desire to be shaped and molded by the potter's hand, and I long to be restored.

The batteries in my watch died a few months ago, yet (and this is a testament to today's society) I kept wearing it because I was so used to wearing it...even though it was no longer telling me the time, it was a part of me, and I felt strange without it on...I have a hope in God that I wear and that no one could ever take away, but if it is not sustaining me, then what good is it? I have truly come to understand what the verse in Hebrews is saying, "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Yet, how do I live that out?

Thanks for listening (rather, reading) my random ramblings...may God continue to guide us as we travel on this journey together and may He sustain you with His outstretched hand...