Calling

So here is the update...I received an e-mail tonight about 6:30 telling me I didn't get the job I was applying for in Lubbock. Then I had to turn around and teach a bunch of crazy, out of control junior high kids 30 minutes later!! Needless to say, I was not in a mood to teach-but I went anyway, and I'm glad I did-even though they were incredibly boisterous and were yelling most of the time-even though the person next to them was only a couple of inches away!! Gotta love junior high kids (oh wait, I was corrected tonight-they are in "middle school")...and I do, which leads me to my main point...

Honestly, I don't understand what is going on. I don't know what God is doing. What I do know is that He is sovereign, I am His child, I have been called to a higher purpose-and I feel like I have been called to ministry. I love God's people, I love God's Word, but most importantly-I love God. I desire to be His servant, I have surrendered to His will, there is no turning back, but there are lots of questions...

What have I worked all of this time for? Have my 5 years in undergraduate, my 44 hours towards a Master's in Ministry degree, and countless internships all been in vain? What is it worth? Will I just keep living like this? I watch others around me get jobs (and I know this doesn't happen to everyone), go into the vocation that they choose and love...and granted I am happy and excited for them...it just makes me continue to wonder if ministry is really what I need to be doing while I apply for job, after job, after job, after job...and nothing happens. Then I wonder if I will ever get any real job-not just in ministry, but ANY real job, or will I just continue in this cycle of debt, unhappiness and frustration??!! If so-this sucks and I am sure not looking forward to it. I realize that God has given me more blessings than I could count or deserve-but those seem to be small and hard to see right now.

I feel like so many more doors have been shut than have been opened, and for the first time the frustrations are outweighing the rewards for me in ministry. I pour my heart and soul into something-and I don't feel like a whole lot is being reaped. Maybe my eyes aren't opened to it-but I sure have tried to be open. I know there was a time where I was not, and I am sure I missed a lot-but now I am trying to be so open to God's will, yet that doesn't seem to be getting me very far. Did I miss something? Did I hear a calling that wasn't true, yet pursued it anyway? I seemed to have been affirmed a lot in the last 7 years, but now I just wonder if it was some dream I was following that I hoped would work out. Maybe I should not pursue ministry anymore, as much as that hurts to say and write-and there is something else that I need to pursue. I don't have a clue what that is, though-the only true passion and joy I have found is in youth ministry. I have never felt this way before-I have always held on and fully believed that I have been called to ministry, but lately I have really been questioning it beyond all else. Over and over and over in my prayers I have told God that I love doing youth ministry-but I always want that to be something He is doing-that it is HIS will-not ever something that I am pursuing for my benefit or glory or purpose...only His...

Not a whole lot of things have worked out since I have been in Abilene-in fact, most things have not worked out, and most of the time I have been utterly miserable, though I tried not to show it. At this point, I don't know what to do...I have just now gotten involved in 2 separate youth ministries at 2 different churches, and am enjoying that, but the joy is gone...and my whole world seems to have been turned upside down.

O, Lord, show me the way...