Do not fear

I apologize for the lack of posts. It was kind of crazy around here last week-my sister-in-law had emergency surgery last week and we had two of her kids at the house. She is doing better and went home on Sunday, but still has a ways to go recovery wise, so please pray for her. Other than that, I have not had much to write about that is too positive, so I haven't felt like writing much.

Job news-I have had even more opportunities slip through my fingers. It just blows me away-I don't know what is going on and I am utterly frustrated-no two ways about it. I seem to get so close to this one or that one-and then it is gone-for various reasons. It becomes pretty unsettling and discouraging when nothing seems certain.

The other thing is I miss doing youth ministry so bad it hurts. I had been doing it for so long in some form or fashion that it had become part of me. It is most definitely one of my greatest passions and something I know without a shadow of a doubt I have been called to-which has only been reinforced along the way. It is a part of my soul, and to deny that I miss it or want to do it more than anything else would be wrong. I have dreamed about doing full time youth ministry somewhere, but sometimes it is hard to even imagine. I am glad of the people who are getting to do it, but can't help but be green, too. It is something I really struggle with. I am always happy for people who can achieve their dreams-and I love to help people do just that. But, I am struggling with the jealousy bug because I have not been able to do the same. I can't deny the fact that it is a deep desire in my heart and soul to be doing youth ministry, and there is a huge hole because I have not been able to be a part of that for a long while now. There have been brief moments where I have been able to-but nothing consistent, and that has been SO hard for me. SO hard. I know I am extremely qualified, have much to offer, a great resume and experience-but one of the main things that keeps me from having more opportunities is my gender. That can be extremely frustrating, too-because although I don't consider myself a feminist (maybe part of me is)-I don't think it is fair. We have all been given gifts, passions, and talents in the body of Christ-and I don't believe it is right not to use them. That is another part I struggle with-there are many awesome men and women out there who are ministering, and am proud to call several of them my friends and partners in ministry. Then, I see others who are just destroying the cause of Christ and yet are being paid to do it (I know you know what I am talking about-not trying to be judgmental, just truthful). They should be doing anything but ministry-yet they are, and I am not.

Anyway, that is how I am feeling-honestly, and I needed to write it down. You can agree with me or not-that really is not the point. I am trying to keep this in God's court, but too often I want to take control. I don't want to be jealous and bitter, feeling like life has passed me by-and most of the time I don't feel that way; but it is when those feelings start to creep in that I have to really fight them off. I love people too much to let that take over me and cause needless hurt. I know much of that is fear and satan trying to trip me up and drag me down, but he has already lost that battle, and I will not fall for his tricks.

I just want to be honest with myself and honest with God. He knows the desires of my heart, He knows my passions-He gave them to me!!! He knows what is best and knows the cries of my soul. I really have tried to fully pray, "Here am I-send me!" but don't know where "here" is. He has guided me this far-I have to have faith that He will carry me through. I want to know that it will all work out in the end-but I guess that is what faith means! I took the leap of faith-I have to keep trusting, but sometimes I just don't trust. I know that is simply human, so I have to keep seeking and believing.

This verse popped up to me the other day and really resounded with me, so I wanted to share it and hope it encourages you, too:

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." ~Isaiah 41:13