Searching...

Why do things have to be so difficult? Why can life seem so hard? I know these are questions that millions of people have asked over the years-beginning with people in the Bible. Did they ever really get answers? Will we really know until we get to heaven? Can I truly be faithful and trust that long? I am trying to have faith, to understand, to comprehend, to see through my tears that there is a rainbow on the horizon. It has become difficult, overwhelming, and incredibly frustrating. This is way more than about a job at this point. It is about life. It is about faith...about trusting, and about something way more than me. I just don't have answers anymore. I feel so lost and alone, even though I know I am not. I have been blessed with people and circumstances way beyond what I could ever imagine, and I am incredibly thankful-I am just having a hard time looking past the fears and pain to grab on to them. I am tired of trying to be something for everyone else. Tired of traveling from one place to the other and back again-although I love seeing everyone, I just want to stay in one spot and feel good again. Being sick has not helped at all-it has just thrown my whole equilibrium off balance-I feel so strange and out of place. My safe and secure feeling has majorly faded. What motivation and excitement I had before the beginning of the year has just faded. I was hopeful, joyful, optimistic, and ready to face the world. I am scared and want to go hide under a rock now. But I can't. I have to keep living-keep moving forward, keep searching for the horizon. I know that God is still here with me-but I have not allowed Him to be as strong of a presence as He needs to be. I just have no answers anymore...

I know this is not normal-this is not me, it is not who I am, and it will not define me. But, I also feel like this is a defining moment in my life-what will I do, where will I go, how will I handle it. I feel so lost. I feel like all that I want and desire will not come true, no matter how bad I want it or how much I try. What an awful feeling. I want to feel safe and secure, and not like I am the only person on this earth. I thought I knew what I wanted, and now I have no idea. What in the world have I worked so hard and long for? Did I follow the right call? Am I traveling the right path? Lord, please show me the way. I cannot make it on my own.